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Whose Responsibility Is Reponsibility?
One of our kids, Veronica, is very reluctant to take responsibility for her actions. There are dozens of examples, but two recent ones stand out as typical; one involving school, and the other her health.
She’s getting low grades in math, because her teacher can’t read her handwriting. We’ve tried to explain this, and her teacher has explained it, but as far as Veronica is concerned it’s all the fault of her teacher, and her handwriting is perfectly clear. There’s nothing that she needs to do to change … it’s all down to the teacher.
The other recent issue revolves around her eyesight. A couple of years ago she was diagnosed with a rather odd eye problem, which is largely under control now. It had the potential to be a symptom of a very big problem, possibly even life-threatening; or alternatively, it might be nothing at all, simply an anomaly of the way her eyes work. As you can imagine, it was all very traumatic while she underwent a series of tests, many of which were uncomfortable and intrusive. But the final diagnosis was pretty mild, and the problem is easily treated.
But to monitor the gradual improvement in her condition, she has to have a quarterly eye exam, something called a visual-field test. It’s not particularly intrusive, but it takes quite a long time and it’s a bit uncomfortable because you have to keep your head still. Well, yesterday she went for the test, which seemed to take even longer than usual and when she came out she was in a foul mood. As the technician explained to us later, he’s concerned that he may not have got an accurate reading, since she kept fidgeting and moving her head. As a result, she may need to have the test done again next week.
Of course, Veronica insists that the problems in the test are all due to the technician’s incompetence, and that she behaved fine throughout the whole thing. Since we’re used to this now, and recognize the pattern … and since we had this test done at a top hospital, with a worldwide reputation, we naturally enough agreed with the technician who, after all, does these tests all the time. That did not go down well with Veronica.
So, I’m asking my readers here; how do you teach responsibility to a child, beyond them suffering the consequences of their actions? The easy answer is that you model the behavior you want to encourage, but we do that and it doesn’t seem to be working. Both of us are pretty willing to take responsibility for our actions, we don’t hide our mistakes or blame them on each other, and our kids see us interacting in a way that reflects that.
A short side note to illustrate; last week we spent a weekend staying with friends out of town. When we dressed to go to a fancy dinner the first evening, I realized that with my customary brilliance I’d forgotten to bring any pants with me. I ahd driven to our friend’s home wearing shorts, so I was left without anything suitable to wear. I ended up wearing the big baggy hippy-style pants that our teenage son Archie has taken to wearing recently … they may look cool on a teenager, paired with a tie-die t-shirt, but they look dang silly on an overweight middle-aged guy at a dinner party. Trust me.
Now, when this happened, I could have tried to blame my wife for not packing my pants, or at least for not reminding me to pack them. I wouldn’t have got far with that, but I could have tried, right? But I didn’t … it was my mistake: I kicked myself, slapped my hand against my forehead in dismay, and then started laughing about it. All in front of the kids, who of course found it even funnier than I did. (Not as funny as my wife found it, however … she was convulsed on the floor laughing, so not much sympathy there!)
So, once again … any ideas for teaching, rather than just modeling, responsibility for one’s actions?
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3 Responses to “Whose Responsibility Is Reponsibility?”
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Boy, that’s a tough one. As a teacher of students with emotional/behavioral disabilities, I see this quite often, and I struggle to find the answer myself. I think it comes from insecurity. Maybe look at that? Is there a reason she feels so insecure that she cannot admit to any weakness or mistake? Maybe, too, you could work really hard to positively reinforce anything resembling her taking responsibility for her actions? Another thing you could do (carefully) is video tape her behavior (without her knowledge) and then gently show it to her, but you’d have to do this in a very kind, non-judgemental way and let her draw the conclusions. Good luck.
Wow, the video tape idea is intriguing … have to think long and hard before using that one, but it might well be effective.
Thanks for the comment and for stopping by.
First of all, I strongly recommend that you get your daughter tested for dysgraphia. Especially with the history of visual problems, which tend to be associated. If she does have dysgraphia, it may actually not be her fault. And the school is required to make accommodations, and the teacher will be forced to spend a little more time evaluating her work.
Also, having been put through a few billion MRIs, I can tell you how hard it is to keep still for a long period of time, especially when there is noise involved. Maybe your daughter didn’t really misbehave as much as you think. Ask her if she had a headache–perhaps a prophylactic dose of Advil or Tylenol might help next time?
That said, I’m a firm believer in draconian responsibility. I will not rescue my kids when their irresponsible behavior gets them in trouble. The world won’t rescue them when they’re older. I will punish, I will push, I will remove privileges and I will reward them when they get it right.
Your daughter needs to understand that you will not accept her pushing her errors off on other people.
But I will also go to bat for them when the school system is railroading them and when the world is giving them inappropriate grief.